This last few weeks I have struggled to put ideas together. I don’t know what would be the best intro for this letter, other than an invitation for myself and all of us to show up messy. We all need to start somewhere, we all need that first step to break the resistance and just do it.
Inspiration can be brief, it can come as an instant spark that I can’t follow at the moment, it can be also affected by my moods or the season, by not creating the time for it because I’m not inspired or because of my intrusive thoughts: why aren’t you instantly good at it? Creating by inspiration was not serving me well.
So I ask for help and I create a system to help inspiration find me when I’m working, that helps me be consistent so I don’t let my fears convince me that is not worth trying and instead create by practice. To create as a ritual, as creativity is very spiritual and sacred to me.
So half through the week, I had my writing ritual and I thought - I don't feel inspired and I truly don’t know what to write about. If I force myself to write now I will feel bad later, I would question the quality of what I wrote as if that one thing defines me…
My body was asking for rest and my mind was afraid that if I didn't follow through with my schedule, that if I didn't do my Wednesday ritual against all odds I would fall out of the wagon and procrastinate. I guess my real fear is that the old parts of me say hi and overstay their welcome.
Since October began I decided I wanted to honor my energy cycles and learn more about them, that would be my intention - to rest when my body is tired, to create when my energy is at its peak, to do focus work when I can be more centered. Flow with my energy instead of against it.
So how can I create by practice when all my body is asking for rest?
I decided to move writing for the next day. I sat down and I felt worse than even yesterday. I switch it around for a few more days… It took me a few tries to understand that I wasn’t procrastinating. I created it the time, I showed up but it didn’t flow through.
So it wasn’t about choosing between honoring my energy or creating by practice, I could co-create with both. But what it was presenting to me was new information about my initial intention, about my inner process, and how rest can be part of that process too.
Not flowing with it was also making me feel doubtful about myself for not being able to act the same way in each moment but what is the point in creating if all my intuition is telling me is that now is time to rest? The same way that when inspiration comes our intuition is telling us to act on it.
Maybe creating by practice these weeks meant REST. Creating time for reset and restart is equally important as creating by practice, as now that I think about it I have never intentionally created time for rest.
Seeing the situation as a redirection created an openness, a new possibility of being for me. As Henri Matisse said it so perfectly, we must see ourselves with the same curiosity with which we study a tree, the sky, or thought because we are too linked to the entire universe.
THE HOW: My trial and error era
So with this whole situation and other ones that I could connect the dots with later, I notice how this new approach is present in my life, without knowing I have been embarking on a journey of trial and error, it's a mix of exploration, curiosity, action, testing, intuition with a lot of inner and outer expansion.
I act, I reflect, and with this new information, I redirect. Treating life as an ongoing experiment for the past two months has been truly incredible.
It has given me a lot of room for redirection without shame or judgment and more with compassion and curiosity. And most importantly, I’m not as afraid of making mistakes as I used to or of making “wrong” decisions, even if I’m doubtful at first because if I’m testing I can't get it wrong. Failure it’s such an incredible teacher.
We don’t know what we don’t know, and through experimentation we let ourselves grow. What we become in the process is much greater than the end goal. It’s about being, integrating, embodying, to moving everything inside us so it can move everything around us.
There's no use in forcing a system that is not serving us just because we committed to it; we can always change our minds and adapt.
Explore uncharted territory, seek personal growth, and discover what works best for us with that we will create our own way of being, and with that comes a lot of trust.
Love and light,
Liz